The Memory of Life

I live in such a far away place that the ties that make life happen are no longer bound. I dream everyday of things that aren't happening, things that may never happen. Reality is a looming catastrophe.

I find myself dreaming while doing the most mundane of things, while drinking my coffee, making my bed, folding my laundry. But I dream when I'm reading too - I see everything so clearly. All the swirling colors and falling places. I see faces, people I want to know so desperately, people who I think hold some sort of key to my future, to my present.

But dreams are only dreams, and reality is falling heavily. Like tiny atomic bombs, the realities of the present crash into my dreams, sending shards of them flying every which way. I can hear my daydreams shriek in agony, the pain of real life too difficult to bear for their filmy flimsy existence.

I am there in my daydreams, not in the everyday working life. I can hear myself talking, I can see people smiling, but I'm not really here anymore. I am somewhere far far away, living like I've wanted to for a long time. Living like I'm supposed to. In dreams I think I am myself, yet in reality I am a little shell. Hollowed out and gouged deep.

In dreams I am energetic and warm, friendly and emotional, all of the things I lack in reality. My caustic remarks are few, my pessimistic voice mute. I wish I could merge the dream me and the real me to make a perfect combination, yet I'm far too busy dreaming to ever make it happen.

My dreams float above me, calling like sirens on a long forgotten shore. They could be as blissful as a honeyed song, yet for my present they are merely aids in my failing to live.

The letter.

Beginning of potentially a new piece. Epistolary style perhaps.

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Dear Boy,

I think everyone wants something out of life. At least I like to think that everyone has some sort of strong desire – something that keeps them pushing to go through life, rather than just lay down and wave a white flag. But you see, what I want is you. I want you in every way possible. I want to talk to you until three in the morning, and hold your hand when I am happy. I want you to smooth back my hair and tell me I’ll achieve all my dreams, and I want to be so close to you that our skin doesn’t quite end. I want you.

It’s as simple as that. But here is where it gets complicated – you see, I don’t know you. I’ve never met you. I may have seen you in person, but I would have connected the dots I think. You live in my head. Sounds crazy, I know. But I go to sleep and you’re there, and I wonder who you are. I wonder where you are, if you are anyone at all. It seems unfair to me that you are there in my dreams – your dark hair, tall frame, green-hazel eyes. It’s unfair that my dream-self gets to have you, while in real life, I’m just hopeless. I watch people intently, and I keep track of scenarios where I meet you in dreams. Just in case, serendipitously, we’ll meet for real.

But I can’t get past finding you. And I wonder what would happen if I actually did find you. Would you think I was crazy? Do I mention that I’ve met you a million times in my dreams? It all seems so complicated and silly – especially since there is that 99.9% chance that you really are just simply a figment of my imagination, someone who only lives in my dreams, with no real life counterpart to be found.

You see, in my real life, I’m stuck. I hate everything around me. I hate my school, I hate my impending job choices, I hate having to potentially live at home again. I’m even starting to hate my relationships with my friends and family. I wonder what the point is because I don’t have anyone who is really mine. No one belongs to me. That sounds so patriarchal – people don’t really belong to each other do they? But I want to know what its like, to have your heart not be yours, and to have someone else’s beat in your hands.

So, with all of my big dreams rolling in my head, I have you in there too. I want to run away, and I want to achieve things, but most of all, I just want you. I hold hope that you’re out there somewhere, and I think of just getting in the car and driving all over the continent, hopping on planes, scouring the earth until I find you. But I don’t think you’re looking for me, and so my little road-tripping fantasies are cut short, because what happens after I find you? What happens if you’ve already found someone else?

Whoever you are, wherever you are, I think you belong to me. And I think I’m supposed to belong to you. Whenever our eyes meet in some coffee shop/bar/church/parking lot/store/restaurant/street – I’ll know it is you. Until then I suppose I’ll just keep you inside my head.

Love,
Girl

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Potentially autobiographical. Totally depressing. Plans would be to make it less so.

<3
Bex
(I think the X is cooler.)

Life Lesson #4

So I totally fell off the band wagon with the whole life lessons business. Who am I kidding? I AM NOT A BLOGGER. I'm the kid who writes in her journal (not a diary cause those are passé) when she's pissed, and that is all. Anyhoodle, here is life lesson numero cuatro!

Sometimes, when you look really, really hot, nothing comes of it.

So, the other night, I went out with some friends for dinner at this bar/pub sort of place. Thinking that there might be a decent crowd of young, hopefully detached, males I got all gussied up. I shaved, I wore a dress, and I broke out the dangly earrings. Arrive at the bar AND... crickets. Everyone that was there was already coupled up. BOO! Yet I promise, if I would've looked like poo, there would've been seven million hot guys there. (Slight exaggeration, but whatevs.) So yeah, when you get yourself sexified, do it for yourself, otherwise you might get disappointed (or in my case, pissed).

Life Lesson #3

This one is a little gross, but oh so true.

Whenever you are doing something important or simply cannot get to a restroom, you will inevitably have to go.

This happens to me ALL THE TIME. Like, one day, I miraculously on time for class when I had to use the restroom and was late! Or if I have just started doing something important, BAM gotta go use the restroom. Its really annoying. I wonder if I am the only person with this problem? If it happens to you too, let me know!

Pet Peeves & Baby Names

Lately I have been into making lists. Here are two for ya!

List #1!

Pet Peeves: (These are in no particular order!)

1. Toothpaste in the sink. Gross!

2. When the toilet paper is done and someone grabs an extra roll but doesn't actually put it on the little rolly thing. I mean really? Its not that hard, heck, you can even do it while you are sitting on the toilet.

3. Dirty washcloths on the bathroom floor. I don't want to touch what you washed your behind with thanks.

4. People who pick their nose while driving. Just because you are in a car doesn't mean you're invisible!!

5. Drinking straight out of a shared carton. Um... hello germs.

6. People who always ask to eat your food when you are super hungry. Heck no! Its mine!

7. People who refuse to use their blinkers. OMG. Makes me so mad. They're on your car for a reason!!

8. Speaking of driving, people who drive like 60 in the left-hand lane on the expressway. MOVE.

9. Birds chirping. Drives me freaking nuts.

10. When I'm watching TV or a movie and people keep trying to have a conversation with me. Excuse me, but I am BUSY.

11. When stupid people ask stupid questions in class.

12. When people whine but don't acknowledge that they're being whiny. I always know when I'm being whiny. I whine and then I apologize.

13. People who make excessive short jokes. I've been the same height since I was 12. I get it. Trust me.

14. People who tell me their life story on the phone at work. I don't know you and I don't really care.

List #2! Baby names! I have started a master list of names I like for every letter, boy and girl. These are my top 5!

Boys:

#1. Micah

#2. Luca

#3. Julian

#4. Teague

#5. Joel / Paxton

Girls:

#1. Jude

#2. Marcail

#3. Isabella

#4. Analisse

#5. Lorelei / Piper

Once I finish my ABC list I'll post it!

PS - I have no intentions of having a baby anytime soon. I decided to make this list so I can help myself when naming characters in my stories for class! :) But its fun to think about what I could/would name a potential baby.

Let me know what your pet peeves and fave baby names are! (Yeah... to all three of my followers. Lol.)

♥

Becks

Life Lessons from Rebecca #2

So after yesterday's semi-depressing life lesson:

When you feel like crap, dressing in a cute outfit, doing your hair and makeup automatically makes you feel better.

Today I was irritated. Yes, it was a beautiful sunshine-filled day, but I am under a lot of stress right now because of school, I haven't slept in a while, and I have been feeling nauseous for a few days. But this morning I took extra time to wear my favorite jeans, a cute top and do my makeup extra special. To make me feel even MORE fabulous I put on my sparkly zebra shoes and I was ready for my day. So yeah, I felt like poo, but I looked fabulous doing so! I even winked at the cute CVS pharmacy tech. So yeah, you may have a crap day, but at least you'll look hot while doing it. :)

♥

Becks

PS - I did have a good thing happen today -- not to mention that I am SUPER thankful for my friends and their kind words. Nothing quite like waking up to a text message that tells me I am loved! :)

Life Lessons from Rebecca #1

Okay, since keeping up with a blog is not something I am very good at, I have decided to begin again, this time doing something a bit simpler so that I can perhaps post something daily-ish. (I add the "ish" so I can feel better if I don't post something.) So I unveil for you, Rebecca's Life Lessons. Kicking off at #1:

If he is so cute that you aren't sure why he is single, chances are he has a girlfriend.

Story. Of. My. Life. Yeah, he is adorable, funny and seems really awesome all around. Keep looking because he probably has a girlfriend. This has been my experience 99.9% of the time, although I am not particularly remembering the .1%. And for some reason, I find out about the girlfriend AFTER I have already shamelessly (and embarrassingly) flirted with him. Le sigh. So, here's to every time you have totally had a crush only to find out some other chick beat you there first.